Have you ever noticed the twinkle in a father’s eyes when his kids ask him to bring more of those apples from the farmer’s market? Forget dads, think about how some guys insist on walking their girl to their door after a date. It’s no secret—men are hardwired to protect and serve. Knowing how to trigger a man’s hero instinct can enhance relationship satisfaction as it brings them a sense of emotional fulfillment.
Now, you are probably thinking, “But my mama raised a strong, independent girl. I don’t need my boyfriend to open a jar of jam”. Well, letting your man take the lead once in a while doesn’t make you a damsel in distress or undermine your self-reliance. If anything, it will make your partner feel more emotionally in sync with you!
For more valuable insights on how to tap into a man’s hero instinct, we reached out to psychologist Varuna Sharma, Clinical Psychologist (RCI Licensed). Stay tuned!
What Is Hero Instinct In Men?
In simple words, hero instinct is the deep-seated psychological drive in men to be an indispensable part in the lives of their loved ones. Relationship coach James Bauer first mainstreamed the term in his book His Secret Obsession: How to Get Inside the Mind of Any Man.
If you look back at our cave-dwelling days, the men of the clan used to be the providers and protectors. That primitive instinct lasted through all the stages of human evolution and is still very much present in the male psyche. Naturally, many people confuse the concept of hero instinct with a Hollywood-inspired alpha-male bravado.
But it is more than just displaying physical prowess. The heroism is often hidden in the simple acts of love, such as:
- Fixing the leaky faucet in your kitchen
- Sending you your favorite flavor of ice cream on a rough day
- Standing up for you when someone crosses a line
We asked Varuna about two of our biggest concerns regarding hero instinct psychology—gender-based power imbalance and accidentally boosting the male ego. She elucidates, “The urge to fix and rescue is not rooted in skewed gender roles. These men don’t step up to assert dominance over their female counterparts. In fact, in today’s gender-equal dynamics, many men wrestle with expressing their hero instinct without coming across as patronizing.
“There is also a very subtle line between a man’s ego and his hero instinct. Feeding the male ego is a form of appeasement that’s hardly genuine. In a way, you are manipulating him with the words he wants to hear to feel superior. Hero instinct, on the other hand, has a deeper significance. When you let him know that his contribution to your well-being and happiness is really valued, it gives his identity meaning and depth.”
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11 Ways To Trigger A Man’s Hero Instinct
Now that we have got hero instinct explained, let’s figure out the how-tos. The trick is simple—involve him ardently in the bits and pieces of your life. Society has conditioned men in a way that they need to be useful in order to feel good about themselves. If you are not sure how to trigger a man’s hero instinct, follow our lead to give his self-worth a boost that will organically strengthen your bond:
1. Let him take care of you
The hero instinct in guys often contributes to their ‘acts of service’ love language. Some men are naturally inclined to nurturing their partners—to them, it’s synonymous with expressing love. In my experience, I have felt pushing him away with a “I am fine” or “Don’t worry about it” makes it worse. I would rather allow him the space to play the role that fits him the best. Here’s how:
- If you are sick and he makes you soup, have it with a smile
- Accept gracefully when he buys you something a little on the expensive side
- Don’t resist if he wants to carry a heavy bag for you
2. Put him in charge
Trust me, there is no better way to bring out his inner rescuer. Let your guy take charge of certain things. It’s like hitting two targets with one shot—you show your faith in his expertise and make him feel empowered, all in one go.
Varuna further elaborates, “It could be something as complicated as giving him a free hand in doing your taxes and making travel arrangements. Either that or a simpler commitment like picking a restaurant for date night. Both would have a similar impact. The idea is to ignite his leadership qualities so he feels essential in this partnership.”
3. Ask him for little favors
“Hi, Sweetie, can you pick up the laundry on your way home?”—to a self-sufficient woman, simply putting this out might feel like an imposition. But the man will genuinely be thrilled that you are trusting him with responsibilities, no matter how small a favor.
And let’s face it, your life will become so much easier when someone else comes along to share the load. Here’s something I tried to activate hero instinct in my husband:
- “Honey, can you help me pull out that book from the top shelf?”
- “Something’s wrong with my laptop. Can you please take a look?”
- “I am craving your special coffee. Would you make me a cup, please?”
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4. Express your needs, but don’t be needy
Confused? Well, there’s a clear difference. It’s one thing to clarify your requirements and communicate openly when you need support, emotionally or otherwise. While that helps bridge the gap between two partners, the latter can be detrimental to your relationship.
No men in history have ever fantasized about a nagging, clingy woman. Being overly dependent will inevitably drift you both apart. You can ask him to pick up the medicines when you are under the weather. But to emotionally blackmail him into staying the next two days? That crosses a line—unless, of course, he’s genuinely willing to be there.
5. Discuss life situations with him
In happy, healthy relationships, partners value each other and their opinions on matters that are important to them. We know that healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, and trust. Asking for your man’s advice on complex matters shows that you value your partner’s opinion and that you see him as someone who can offer insight and support. Inviting your partner’s perspective on your challenges (work, family, personal goals) can strengthen emotional intimacy and deepen the bond.
However, this should be a two-way street and two people in long term relationships should be able to ask for help, support, advice and opinions comfortably without being judged. Additionally, it is also important to understand that while it is okay to ask for advice, it’s also okay to think differently or not follow it if it doesn’t feel right. Seeking advice shouldn’t mean giving up your autonomy.
When a man feels like you depend on him for advice and suggestions, or that is he able to contribute in your life in an intimate way, he will feel valued and empowered. This way, he will feel like he is making your life easier or better.
6. Flirt with him
Wondering how to trigger a man’s hero instinct? Go with the most effective trick in the playbook—flirting. It really doesn’t take much to grab a man’s attention.
Varuna advises, “There’s no need to play hard to get or embark on grand romantic gestures. Tease him a little, maybe send a couple of flirty texts, and he will feel like the most desired man in the world.” She suggests:
- Keep the compliments flowing and not just for his sheer handsomeness. If he makes you laugh, admire his sense of humor
- Try these naughty secret phrases to say to a man: “I wish you were here to hold my hand, and maybe kiss me too,” or “Can you come over? I need a strong man right now!”
- When you are together at a party, deliberately pay him more attention—hold his gaze, smile, or touch him softly as you cross paths in the hall
7. Involve him in decision-making
Isn’t it obvious? When you invite someone to make a decision for you, no matter how big, it tickles their inner heroism. This works like a charm in holding the relationship together—whether you are navigating long distance or trying to rebuild the foundation after a breakup. Without saying much, you are showing just how important they are to you. For instance,
- Torn between two outfits? Ask him to choose
- Let him pick the furniture for the living room overhaul
- If you need to relocate for a job, discuss with him first before finalizing the arrangements
8. Let him teach or show you something he’s passionate about
If your guy used to play baseball in high school, you could ask him to show you how to throw a ball. Maybe take a tire-changing lesson from him, or be curious about his hiking gear. When he sees that you notice and genuinely value his strengths, it taps directly into his hero instinct. Feeling like he’s contributing boosts his confidence and draws him even closer and more connected to you.
Varuna elaborates, “Encouraging a man to share knowledge or skills makes him feel both competent and appreciated. Whether it’s explaining a hobby, fixing something, or sharing a favorite film, giving him space to take on a ‘mentor’ role activates his instinct to contribute meaningfully to your world.”
Encouraging a man to share knowledge or skills makes him feel both competent and appreciated. Whether it’s explaining a hobby, fixing something, or sharing a favorite film, giving him space to take on a “mentor” role activates his instinct to contribute meaningfully to your world.
9. Express how grateful you are
Positive affirmations are a game-changer when your relationship is on thin ice or any other day. Acknowledge the little things he does to make you happy. Ever since I started validating my husband’s efforts, it has brought us closer than ever. A simple ‘thank you’ to appreciate his thoughtful acts and small gestures can go a long way.
Relationship coach James Bauer preaches that a 12-word heroic instinct phrase is more impactful than long paragraphs of love and gratitude. This list, created by a Quora User, is worth giving a shot:
- “I feel so safe when I’m with you. I really need you”
- “Your support means the world to me”
- “I trust your judgment on this matter”
- “You always know how to make me feel secure”
This validates his efforts and makes him eager to show up for you.
10. Make space for his vulnerability
Before looking for signs you triggered his hero instinct, ensure he can be his one-hundred-percent genuine self with you. Let’s hear it from Varuna, “It’s time we change the narratives that ‘men don’t cry’ or overshare their emotions. He must have grown up hearing phrases like ‘man up’ or ‘don’t nag like a woman’. No wonder he has a hard time opening up.
“As his partner, it falls on you to create a non-judgmental environment where he can be unapologetically vulnerable.” To strengthen your intimacy:
- Let him know he can come to you with any emotional burden
- And when he does, do listen with due empathy and attention
- Assure him you’ve got his back even when he doubts himself
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11. Let him be ‘the man’ in the relationship
Lastly, accept and create room for his raw masculinity if you truly want to ignite the heroic instincts in your guy. Curbing his independent nature or trying to control his every move won’t do any good for your relationship.
Praise his decisiveness and take-charge attitude. Nurture the bold, rugged, risk-taker in him with your feminine encouragement. See to it that he feels like ‘one of the guys’, especially in the bedroom. Or simply plead with him to rescue you from the occasional spider ambushes at home. Either way, he will be honored to step into his role as your hero.
How Does Triggering A Man’s Hero Instinct Work For You And Your Relationship?
Triggering the hero instinct in men has its own set of perks. It motivates them enough to go that extra mile just to see you happy. To have a partner who unconditionally relies on them validates their self-worth and competence. And what’s in it for you? You get an extra dose of pampering every day. Let’s walk you through the influence of hero syndrome in relationships:
- Deeper emotional connection: As you show your boyfriend you genuinely need him by your side, he perceives his significance in your life. Each word of gratitude counts. The more he feels seen, the more it enriches your emotional tie
- Balanced, committed relationship: Hero instinct helps a relationship, especially when you are trying to get him to commit. Your recognition gives him a sense of purpose. He will be more consistent with his efforts and invest emotionally in the relationship for the long run
- Mutual respect: Amplifying a man’s masculine instinct comes with its fair share of emotional security. So much so that he will never feel threatened or intimidated by you. On the contrary, he will reciprocate your appreciation and cherish everything you do for him, and this relationship. In a way, it creates the foundation for a bond thriving on love and respect
- Princess treatment for you: And here’s the best part—your emotionally stimulating words can mould him into the attentive, thoughtful, and caring partner you have always dreamt of. The smallest gestures will reflect how much he prioritizes you over everything else
Even the most independent, emotionally grounded women sometimes need a loving shoulder to lean on. So, we don’t buy it if you say knowing how to trigger a man’s hero instinct won’t make a difference in your relationship.
There is nothing wrong with choosing the easier path occasionally. Accepting help from a person, especially someone who’s ready to move mountains for you, is truly the purest form of love.
Infographic On Triggering A Man’s Hero Instinct
